my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
Randomize
