If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
This beer is not sobering me up at all
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
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