Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
