she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
my god I love twenty year old dicks
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
Randomize
