Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
