My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Randomize
