fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
