Dude my mom stole all your condoms
idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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