I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Randomize
