I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
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