girl in front of me in lecture is looking up on ask.com about chlamydia.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
She bit a glass in half.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
Randomize
