I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Randomize
