Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
as a side note pls kill me
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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