so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
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