Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
Randomize
