I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
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