i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
