I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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