I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
Randomize
