IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Randomize
