and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
