There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
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