Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
Randomize
