i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
