The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
Seriously what kind of college town is this? Nobody parties during the week or abuses perscription drugs
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Randomize
