So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize