I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Randomize
