Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Randomize
