I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
Randomize
