Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
lets start a swedish sibling band together
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
40s are totally the cure
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Randomize
