i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
