Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Randomize
