Pussy?
how
Wat do u mean how?
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Randomize
