I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Pooping to opera.
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize
