you would pick up someone in the library
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Randomize
