I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Randomize
