So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
I guess what I'm trying to say is you've fucked more people than the economy.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
Randomize
