I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
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