Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
im having a threesome with these popsicles
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Randomize
