It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
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