Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
