If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
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