so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Do you have feelings for this penis?
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
Randomize
