Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
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