come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
