i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
