i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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