My liver just broke up with me...
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
Randomize
