We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Randomize
