The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
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